Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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