I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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