mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
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You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize