sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
