Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
