I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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