Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
