does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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