doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
