I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
