I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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