He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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