He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
