so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
