The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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