Someone shit on the floor
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
