did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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