I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
