Will you blow on my dice?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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