shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
