Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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