You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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