So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
