ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
