Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
