textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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