he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
