3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
