I wish life had little blips of pornography
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
