So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
