Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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