I have demons in me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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