i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
