The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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