I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
