You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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