Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
