I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
