shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
