hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
