Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
