I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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