You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
