i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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