i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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