Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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