i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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