seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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