Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
