Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
