I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
