I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
