He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
