i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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