Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
