I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
we should paint friendship bongs
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