the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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