How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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