AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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